Saturday, May 5, 2012

Find Bigfoot? Nah!


Should I be amazed that there is a reality TV show called Finding Bigfoot, in which the aptly-named host Matthew Moneymaker, strung out no less than 18 episodes from 2011 to March 2012 that, in the final analysis, did not "Find Bigfoot?"

Tell me that I should not be flabbergasted that real-life television viewers, apparently in use of their own brains, actually tune into this show thinking that Mr. Moneymaker is indeed somehow on the trail of the factual Bigfoot, an imposingly massive creature who, against all odds, manages to tromp freely about in places like freakin' Ohio and other highly populated American states detected only by sporadic eyewitness sightings that are uncannily never documented on film or by any other reliable means of evidential recording. 

I shouldn't laugh heartily at the show when these guys use night vision green-view gimmickry to make it look scary when they howl absurdly in the darkness, pretending as though this is the way that the Bigfoot creatures scream at each other and cavort about in the wild? Click here to view this on YouTube. Good. I feel bad for snickering so uncontrollably at what I initially suspected was hilariously blatant bullshittery.

Ok, good. I'm glad there is no reason to be amazed at the sheer ridiculous, obscenely grotesque stupidity of the American public for watching this show. (These would be the same sublimely idiotic folks who listen to Rush Limbaugh and make Faux News this nation's most highly rated "news" network, after all.)

This reality TV show on the Discovery Channel makes perfect sense, right? 


Because Bigfoot really does exist, correct?

Right.


Sunday, April 15, 2012

How the Online Fan Message Board for the World's Greatest Rock Band Got Hijacked by Conservative Republican Right-Wing American Assholes

Well, friends, let me tell you something. The best rock band that has ever walked the face of this Earth is Rush. That's Alex Lifeson, Geddy Lee and Neil Peart.

These unequaled rock legends, so absurdly overlooked by the stoopid arrogant gaseous windbags (with bad musical taste, to boot) at the ridiculous "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame," are coming out with an album that is going to rock this planet down to its good-grooving, goodwill-to-humanity, intellectual and liberally spirited foundations. Clockwork Angels, baby. Run, do not walk, to buy this record and all the associated Rush merchandise and concert tickets and assorted cherished trinkets as soon as you can. The record comes out in June. The new single, Headlong Flight, will hit the radio inter-webbed airwaves next week.


This will the band's moment of global triumph? No doubt about it. Why? Because they are simply the best musical artists ever (best guitar player, best bass player, best drummer and best rock lyricist) to walk the Earth. Trust me, this has long been decreed by The Great Platypus.


But. Hmmmm. Could it be true that this fan message board website for Rush that's been around since the late 1990s doesn't think so?

The Great Platypus is bothered that a few of the members of the Rush fan message board have hijacked the site to serve their fat and stupid American conservative republicant right-wing gun-loving asshole viewpoints. These members actually believe in the woefully wrong Ayn Rand Objectivist Nonsense philosophies espoused by the likes of Ron Paul and his ridiculous animal-hair toupee-headed son, Rand Paul. (You see, Neil Peart once gave acknowledgement to Ayn Rand and her big stupid book, Atlas Shrugged, as partial inspiration for the seminal rock album, 2112. (The band has long since dismissed this reference as not having anything but the remotest significance, and, in fact, Rush's lawyer sent a cease-and-desist letter to Wig Headed Rand Paul demanding that he quit using Rush songs for his campaign music.)




The PMMF Custodian, throughout the years, has dropped in on Counterparts to give a few of these sad-sack online sourpusses who chronically dwell there some good sport and poke fun at their pretentious and very UN-RUSH-LIKE arrogant  posturings.

With that said, let it be known that there are many members on Counterparts who are very good folks, such as PumpkinHead, a very decent policeman in America who we wish all other law enforcement officers could emulate.

These conservative republicants on Counterparts are quite a miserable lot, I can assure you!
But back to the republicant, gun-loving, ObamaCare-hating idiots who have hijacked the Counterparts Message Board.

Want to see some True Colors Come Shining Through? Check this out!

These very bitter and ugly souls got so amusingly annoyed and insecure that they actually asked me to kill myself, and in doing so, actually posted some truly atrocious stuff about suicide and about gloating about another online personality who at some time in the past actually did kill himself, as if that is what any good, humanistic, loving, intellectual and compassionate left-leaning social libertarian should do in the face of their repugnant and odious opinions.


Why would the band Rush tolerate these Counterpart Message Board jerks?

ANSWER: Because they're class acts and they above that kind of stuff.

But it merits being pointed out what idiots these folks are, doesn't it? Especially since Rush is about to explode on the global scene and demonstrate their greatness to everyone. 

Indeed it does. :-)
























Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Real Talk About Jesus and Barack Obama from the Bible Belt in East Texas.

You're playing on the wrong team, Patsy.

But Jesus still loves you. :-)




Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 6:22 AM
Subject: Re: READ THIS: (Subject: FW: WELL HERE IT IS! OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE)

Good Morning Chris,
I don’t know you, but I will assume you might be the son of Billy Payne with whom I worked at Eastman many years ago.  I do recognize many of the email addresses as Eastman employees or retirees.
In our great country everyone has a right to his/her own opinion.  I have been a Christian since I was 9-years-old, and I am now 73.  If Obama remains in office for another 4-years, you and I will no longer be able to share opinions such as we have just done.  Regardless of where he was born, he is simply not presidential material.  He never does his job.  He has been campaigning at tax payer expense ever since he took office.  America can’t survive another Obama term.  I do not consider myself a Democrat or Republican.  I have always voted for the man I think will best represent the American people.  In this case it is definitely not Obama.  He will most likely be elected because he will get all of the black votes because most all of them get free government aid.  He will get all of the Hispanic votes because he is against trying to close our borders.  He has added so many government employees since 2008 that the list of government employees is now higher than anytime in history.  He is trying to ensure votes from all of them and their families.  All he is thinking about is how he can get reelected so he can do more harm to the middle-class American.  They are the ones who carry the tax burden.  The rich will never pay their fair share of taxes as they use all of the loopholes in the system.  A huge company like GE paid no taxes at all.  If he wanted to fix things loopholes would be closed for everyone.  That is not going to happen because the rich would come down on him like a duck on a bug.  Our government is corrupt, but electing Obama for another term is not the answer.
Please take me off your mailing list.  I don’t think my stomach can tolerate another dose of this BS.
Patsy Williams
HELLO FRIENDS:
My name is Chris Payne. My mother is one of Jesus Christ's favored children upon this earth.
And all of you are favored children of Christ the Savior on Planet Earth, as well. :-) And, in this spirit of good faith, I send you this message, which I hope you will read and consider with an open mind.
This is my message to you all:
Barack Obama is the President of the United States of America because God selected him to be in this role. President Obama is NOT a "muslim," and he was born in Hawaii, which is an American state. He is, under the rule of law and in the eyes of God, the rightful president of the United States of America.
Moreover, regardless of what lies and propaganda you have been told by misguided and utterly incorrect sources of information -- much of which has come from the Devil, himself -- President Obama IS A BELIEVER IN JESUS CHRIST.
I repeat: BARACK OBAMA IS A BELIEVER IN JESUS CHRIST.
I encourage all of you to STOP spreading about this misinformation. You have been fooled.I also encourage all of you to vote for President Obama to be re-elected as president in November. The Republican Party has fallen under the leadership of very misguided, immoral and greedy people. If Jesus Chris were here today, he would gather them all up and toss them out into the streets, just like he cleared the temple of the moneychangers in the Holy Bible. You need to understand that. Jesus does not favor the Republican Party as it now stands in the United States of America.

In fact, if you truly understood the Bible, you would understand that Jesus much more resembled a "liberal Democrat" in is actions and his words upon the short time he was here on this earth. He believed in helping the poor, feeding the hungry and freeing the prisoners. The modern Republican Party does not believe in these things at all, and If you do not vote for President Obama in November, then you have made a wrong decision. This, I can assure you.

Read the following scriptures:

Peacemaking, not War Making: Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. [Matthew 5:9]  Resist
not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. [Matthew 5:39]  I say unto you, Love your
enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despite-fully use you, and persecute
you; [Matthew 5:44]
The Death Penalty: Thou shalt not kill [Matthew 5:21]
Crime and Punishment: If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to cast a stone at her. [John 8:7]  Do not judge, lest
you too be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to
you. [Matthew 7:1 & 2.]  
Justice: Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.  [Matthew 5:6] Blessed are the
merciful: for they shall obtain mercy [Matthew 5:7]  But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your
trespasses.  [Matthew 6:15]
Corporate Greed and the Religion of Wealth: In the temple courts [Jesus] found men selling cattle, sheep and doves and other
sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle;
he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. [John 2:14 & 15.] Watch out! Be on your guard against
all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions. [Luke 12.15.]  Truly, I say unto you, it will
be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. [Matthew 19:23] You cannot serve both God and Money. [Matthew 6:24.]
Paying Taxes & Separation of Church & State: Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the
things that are God's.  [Matthew 22:21] 
Community:  Love your neighbor as yourself. .[Matthew 22:39]  So in everything, do to others as you would have them do to you.
[Matthew 7:12.]  If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.
[Matthew 19:21] 
Equality & Social Programs: But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed,
because they cannot repay you. You will be repaid at the resurrection of the just. [Luke 14:13 &14.] 
Public Prayer & Displays of Faith: And when thou pray, thou shall not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in
the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. 
But thou, when thou pray, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret…
[Matthew 6:6 & 7]
Strict Enforcement of Religious Laws: If any of you has a son or a sheep and it falls into a pit on the Sabbath, will you not take
hold of it and lift it out?  [Matthew 12:11] The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath. [Mark 2:27.]
Individuality & Personal Spiritual Experience: Ye are the light of the world. [Matthew 5:14]



Thank you for you attention and God bless you,

Chris Payne


 >
> -----Original Message-----
> From: franwoadwunner@aol.com
> Sent: Saturday, March 31, 2012 4:48 PM
> To: patsyann@etex.net, c.wert@sbcglobal.net, Wasson1929@aol.com, jhntsmith@yahoo.com, roe7@me.com, karenraysa@gmail.com, apayne41@webtv.net, oldcat46@sbcglobal.net, bobsaved39@sbcglobal.net, w.waynemartin@att.net, larry.jones@tylerisd.org, fshunt79@aol.com, gohappel1@aol.com, justinegnor@aol.com, jrdodson9078@sbcglobal.net
> Subject: Fwd: WELL HERE IT IS!
>
>
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: John T. Smith <jhntsmith@yahoo.com>
> To: Frances Fuller <franwoadwunner@aol.com>; Gerald Finley <gsfinley69@sbcglobal.net>; Gerald and Joan Thomas <gthomas14@juno.com>; Judy Colwell <JJUDYBABE@aol.com>; Karen Morgan <kssm9660@yahoo.com>; Teresa Beazley <tdbeazley@gmail.com>
> Sent: Fri, Mar 30, 2012 8:59 am
> Subject: Fw: Fwd: WELL HERE IT IS!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ----- Forwarded Message -----
> From: "Jwaba1408@aol.com" Jwaba1408@aol.com
>
> Sent: Friday, March 30, 2012 6:40 AM
> Subject: Fwd: WELL HERE IT IS!
>
>
>
>
> Here is the proof.
> Jim
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Subject: FW: WELL HERE IT IS! OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Obama’s authentic birth certificate from Coast Memorial Hospital , in Mombasa , KENYA . Now the task is to get the courts to authenticate it and then kick Obama out of office, something they are loathe to do. He’s most likely an illegal alien!
>
>
>
>
> For what purpose this will serve, here is the magic document almost everyone was hoping to get.
>
>
> Snopes say's it's true
>
>
> Here it is, folks! The document we have been waiting for! Now if only SOMEONE in Congress or the Supreme Court will act on this!
>
>
> Spread this around.....if these documents are as authentic as they certainly seem to be, Obama is NOT qualified to be our President and he sits in the White House illegally!
>
>
> This is what Obama has spent almost $2M (so far) to hide.
>
>
>
>
>
> Here's a close-up of the top of the document where you can plainly read his name and his parent's names, etc....
>
>
>
>
>
> A British history buff was asked if he could find out who the colonial registrar was for Mombasa in 1961.
>
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> After only a few minutes of research, he called back and said "Sir Edward F. Lavender” Note the same name near the bottom of the photo above.
>
>
> Source(s): “ Kenya Dominion Record 4667 Australian library."
>
>
> And here’s a close-up of the bottom of the document where you can read "Coast Providence of Kenya " and the
>
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> official signature of the Deputy Registrar.....
>
>
>
>
>
> The above document is a "Certified Copy of Registration of Birth", but below is a copy of the actual Certificate of Birth...
>
>
> the real-deal legal kind of certificate.
>
>
> The Mombasa Registrar of Births has testified that Obama's birth certificate from Coast Province General Hospital in
>
>
> Mombasa is genuine. This copy was obtained by Lucas Smith through the help of a Kenyan Colonel who recently got it
>
>
> directly from the Coast General Hospital in Mombasa , Kenya . Here it is.....
>
>
>
>
>
> Note the footprint!!
>
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> The local Muslim Imam in Mombasa named Barack with his Muslim middle name Hussein so his official name on this certificate is Barack Hussein Obama II.
>
>
> The grandmother of Barack Hussein Obama, Jr. reveals the story of his birth in Mombasa , Kenya , a seaport, after his mother suffered labor pains while swimming at ocean beach in Mombasa
>
>
> ......
>
>
> "On August 4, 1961 Obama's mother, father and grandmother were attending a Muslim festival in Mombasa , Kenya .
>
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> Mother had been refused entry to airplanes due to her nine month pregnancy. It was a hot August day at the festival so the Obama’s went to the beach to cool off. While swimming in the ocean his mother experienced labor pains so was rushed to the Coast Provincial
>
>
> General Hospital , Mombasa , Kenya where Obama was born a few hours later at 7:21 pm on August 4, 1961(what a sad day for the USA !). Four days later his mother flew to Hawaii and registered his birth in Honolulu as a certificate of live birth which omitted the place and hospital of birth."
>
>
> Letter from Kitau in Mombasa , Kenya ......
>
>
> "I happen to be Kenyan. I was born 1 month before Obama at Mombasa medical center. I am a teacher here at the MM Shaw Primary School in Kenya . I compared my birth certificate to the one that has been put out by Taitz and mine is exactly the same. I even have the same registrar and format. The type is identical. I am by nature a skeptical person. I teach science here and challenge most things that cannot be proven. So I went to an official registrar today and pulled up the picture on the web. They magnified it and determined it to be authentic. There is even a plaque with Registrar Lavenders name on it as he was a Brit and was in charge of the Registrar office from 1959 until January of 1964. The reason the date on the certificate says republic of Kenya is that we were a republic when the "copy" of the original was ordered. I stress the word "copy". My copy also has republic of Kenya . So what you say is true about Kenya not being a republic at the time of Obama's
>
>
> birth, however it was a republic when the copy was ordered.
>
>
> The birth certificate is genuine. I assure you it will be authenticated by a forensic auditor. We are very proud Obama was born here. We have a shrine for him and there are many people who remember his birth here as he had a white mother. They are being interviewed now by one of your media outlets.
>
>
> Fortunately they even have pictures of his parents with him immediately after his birth at the Mombasa hospital with the hospital in the back ground.
>
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> It will be a proud day for us when it is proven that he was born here and a Kenyan became the most powerful man in the world.
>
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> I encourage anyone to come here and visit. I will be happy to take you and show you the pictures at the hospital myself as well as
>
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> my document and many others that are identical to what Taitz posted. God Bless. Kitau"
>
>
> So, how much more proof do we need?
>
>
> Well, Here it is...{SJC}
>
>
> WELL, HERE IT IS....
>
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> Lolo Soetoro, Stanley Ann Dunham Soetoro, baby Maya Soetoro, and 9 year old Barry Soetoro.
>
>
>
>
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> This registration document, made available on Jan. 24, 2007, by the Fransiskus Assisi
>
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> school inJakarta, Indonesia , shows the registration of Barack Obama under the name
>
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> Barry Soetoro made by his step-father, Lolo Soetoro.
>
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> Name: Barry Soetoro
>
>
> Religion: Islam
>
>
> Nationality: Indonesian
>
>
>
>
>
> How did this little INDONESIAN Muslim child - Barry Soetoro, (A.K.A. Barack Obama)
>
>
> get around the issue of nationality to become President of the United States of America ?
>
>
> PART 2:
>
>
> In a move certain to fuel the debate over Obama's qualifications for the presidency, the
>
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> group "Americans for Freedom of Information" has released copies of President Obama's
>
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> college transcripts from Occidental College ...
>
>
> The transcript indicates that Obama, under the name Barry Soetoro, received financial aid as a
>
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> foreign student from Indonesia while an undergraduate at the school. The transcript was released
>
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> by Occidental College in compliance with a court order in a suit brought by the group in the
>
>
> Superior Court of California . The transcript shows that Obama (Soetoro) applied for financial
>
>
> aid and was awarded a fellowship for foreign students from the Fulbright Foundation Scholarship program.
>
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> To qualify for this scholarship, a student must claim foreign citizenship.
>
>
> This document provides the smoking gun that many of Obama's detractors have been seeking -
>
>
> that he is NOT a natural-born citizen of the United States - necessary to be President of these
>
>
> United States. Along with the evidence that he was first born in Kenya , here we see that there is
>
>
> no record of him ever applying for US citizenship..
>
>
> Gary Kreep of the United States Justice Foundation has released the results of their investigation
>
>
> of Obama's campaign spending. This study estimates that Obama has spent upwards of $950,000
>
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> in campaign funds in the past year with eleven law firms in 12 states for legal resources to block
>
>
> disclosure of any of his personal records.
>
>
> Mr. Kreep indicated that the investigation is still on-going but that the final report will be provided
>
>
> to the U.S. attorney general, Eric Holder. Mr. Holder has refused comment on this matter.
>
>
> LET OTHER FOLKS KNOW THIS NEWS - THE MEDIA WON'T!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Out of East Texas Kuntry Nite Creepeth Da Payne Prangler. It Merges With Genius MetroPlexBrains While Tucker Skis Tahoe.

VROOoooooooMmm! Outta Da Night!

Out of the East Texas Night, it jaunted forthwith to the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex to merge with the minds of Adam Ballinger and David Branch.

Tucker was skiing about Lake Tahoe and texted to us as we visited in Texas to discuss our plans for a fine venture.
Tahoe Tucker






Frozen Chicken Cheez Tots. Yum!




The PMMF Custodian was bothered somewhat by the consumers consuming, so serious about their gol-darn-dang-damned Frozen Chicken Cheez Tots on sale at Walmart, but he nonetheless shot forth in the piney night-breezed kuntry pastures as the shittoheads slumbered, eager to meet with the Chancellor (Adam Ballinger) and the Admiral (David Branch).




He zoomed through the forestry night wind airs, stopping occasionally to perform routine reconnaissance calibrations,  eventually shambling through yonder wood to emerge upon what is known as Interstate 20 from East Texas to Dallas.
This is Your Captain Speaking
Come Hither Yonder Payne Captain

The Payne Dawg (PMMF Custodian) was determined. Let us not be misunderstood: The PMMF Custodian (Payne Dawg) is a monstrously stealthy night rambler. He is by golly gonna get there to do it to it.



Misty Breeze Spook Nights!









Such demented plans were formed. Such global abrasions are forthcoming. We have got this thing figured out and it's got great good steady winding thunderous wheels of awe and wonder and blasphemy for you. It is all good. Trust us. We are, in the final analysis, lovers. Not fighters.






Chancellor and Da Admiral

But gol-dang-dad-diddly-KA-POW, are we ever throwed off. Just Notice.

Just Notice.
 

And the animal branded image of Just Notice shall be ... the Proboscis Monkey of Borneo. This is very key.

White Capped Tuck Prince

Just Notice is The Fearsome Foursome coming to you and your vision screens, whether it be via Vitreous Membrane or High-Definition Multimedia Interfaces.
Assemble this, you American Walmart Scooter Diabetic PoopTart. We made this in China for you. Yes. You.












Nite Kuntry Shack


Either way.

Just Notice.

You will see us.

Outside your kuntry cabin as we be prowlin' ...

City Lit Laser Screen Nights







Or on your city-lit home laser screeens you will be seen by us.

Just Notice.

Friday, April 6, 2012

The Story of Impulse. Circa 1975.


CHRIS PAYNE
January 31

Impulse. The band leader on the top right is being pursued by unseen entities. (The same entities who have possessed the guy in the middle.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------
DAVID BRANCH
January 31 at 5:45pm · Unlike ·  1

His look, combined with the conspicuous (faux?) wood paneling, really provide some deep insight as to what exactly happened here. Judging by the paneling they must be in a trailer, possibly one a contractor would use on a construction site. The look, i think, came as a result of the realization, on the part of the band leader, that the construction worker who just walked in the door is actually a member of the chart-topping group the Village People, and that the promise which lured Impulse there in the first place, that they would "play a little music, take some amateur photographs, and just generally relax and do whatever comes natural" might have meant something entirely different to the other parties involved.

This horror can only be fully appreciated when one understands that it was augmented by the realization, on the part of the band leader, that his decision to grow a mustache and unbutton his shirt to show off his crucifix-charmed necklace, while intended to come off as a masculine, devil-may-care look (perhaps channeling Tony Iommi?), was likely understood to by the aforementioned Village Persons be a display of comfortable and flaming homosexuality.

Secondly, his look speaks to his subsequent realization, in that moment, that his bandmates seem to be "down" with this rather sordid turn of events, and possibly were in on the entire thing in the first place. Given these facts, one can possibly infer that these realizations were followed by some, even more soul-crushing--firstly that the generation of people to follow would certainly mistake his mustachioed and bare-chested look as an obvious sign of his homosexuality, as the Village People did, and secondly, that this moment was being immortalized on film, people are going to laugh at Impulse, and more importantly him, and there is absolutely nothing he can do about it.

But there is one thing he can do, to avoid the compounding regret that will inevitably come from a sticky trailer-tryst with the Village People. He can vault himself through a window, and onto the ground below. His AMC Gremlin is parked just on the other side of the gravel lot. His synapses begin firing at triple speed and, after some quick calculations of trajectory he lunges for the window, and into the annals of history. The End.

-----------------------------------------
DAVID BRANCH
January 31 at 5:46pm · Unlike ·  1

No, no, no. Ninja edit: It should have read "The End???"

----------
CHRIS PAYNE
February 1 at 3:40pm · Like ·  1

The story of Impulse, of course, begins with ... an impulse. It was a dark impulse, indeed, that begat the Krankowski Twins, pictured from left to middle, when one Kimberly Krankowski, on the fateful evening of September 17, 1955, met a mysterious drifter known only as "Vince" at a Bill Haley & The Comets show in Dayton, Ohio, for an short-lived yet explosive tryst in the back seat of a 1953 Ford Crestline.

The impulses of the Krankowski Twins, Tim and Alex, grew inexorably darker as youngsters. Tim, far left, was the oddly affected Asbergers boy whose tinker-toy and lego constructions were meticulously and maliciously assembled in the fashion of ancient pagan shrines and demonic receiving stations, as he rocked back and forth on the green shag carpeted floor, pulled to and fro methodically by unseen mystical strings. His twin brother, Alex, in middle, had an early fascination with spells and wizards, which grew into his inevitable self identity as the impish Sorcerer Prince of Athas, whose abilities to destroy and defile come from his withering spells of plagues and vermin infestations, including Acid Fogs, the Yellow Anger of the Tiger Pustule, the Hungry Buzzard Maw, and, of course, the Trance of Infernal Sphinter.

At home after school, while their single mother, Kimberly, worked late as a bookkeeper at a small insurance agency, the Krankowski Twins would practice their instruments rapturously, inspired by the works of Uriah Heap and Blue Oyster Cult: Tim, with his garage-sale 1970 Hohn electric guitar, and Alex pounding feverishly on his Slingerland drum kit purchased with his mother's tax refund check. Whilst playing, each of the twins' rudimentary musical efforts would, after many aborted abominations, begin to coagulate into distinctly syncopated yet still somehow offbeat mechanical rhythms, with Alex's crude tribal tin-pan thrashings, and Tim's ham-handed, slashing bursts transmitting in unison to produce primordial sonic impulses that, while hideous noise to most ears, could also be a coaxingly subliminal, sonorous enticement to others whose minds had sufficient pliability to be tuned into the darkest realms of The 17 Outer Planes and their hosts of demons and devils and celestial deities. (Most notably, the hoary Yugoloths from the Wasting Tower of Khin-Oin, as well as other fiendish entities emanating from that 11th Plane of Peril ... including ... yes, the Vermin King.)

But one piece was missing. The Krankowski Twins' siren call of maddeningly disharmonious sonic clamor needed but one more key human cerebral cortex to complete the imperious summoning that was taking form in their suburban Ohio basement in January 1975. The unholy triumvirate was incomplete until the sounds from the land of no melodies seduced one Stuart McAdams, pictured top right, whose high-pitched banshee voice was bitter bile in the neighboring McAdams household, particularly with his father, George McAdams , whose own faith struggled alongside his son's insufferable love of ungodly rock music.

And on the evening of the publicity photo we see the fatalistic image of everlasting perpetual dread. The moment of the final earthly Impulse. We see the horror upon Stuart's marijuana-addled face. Note Tim's bucolic bliss, already enraptured and well at home on the 11th plane's vast gray wastelands of syncopated demon hordes, rising and falling, drooling and humming to the time-stop chord progressions of the apocalyptic symphonies of Obox-Ob, the King of Vermin. And Alex, he also is entranced, of course. His soul is finally a vice-grip rapture of eternal off-beat drum fills.

Stuart is next. The moment of realization is upon him. He looks off camera, seeing that the spinning vivid obscenity of Obox-Ob is materializing, threatening to consume him. The consummation of the unholy summoning is only seconds away. Already, Stuart is beginning to see much of Obox-Ob's hideous form, a massive platter-shaped centipede with three scorpion-like tails serving as his heads, one of which is curiously humanoid at the tip of his segmented tail, and opens its gaping maw to roar blasphemous litanies with a probing razor-edged, purple tongue snapping to and fro to taste the new earthly air. Behind him, Stuart sees the shapes of the Master Yugoloths, hears their keening shrieks of approval.

And into earthly obscurity goes Impulse. And into the portal go the Krankowski Twins and Stuart McAdams. Forever syncopated into the shrill disharmonious cacophony of the 11th Plane.
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DAVID BRANCH
February 1 at 7:45pm · Unlike ·  1

I almost went in a "Russian gangster" direction with him too. He sorta has that look. Like he's been doin tons of blow in a Moscow discotheque and just realized he's about to be sold as a sex slave to a wealthy petro-state sheik
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CHRIS PAYNE
February 1 at 7:47pm ·

Haha! That would been an excellent angle. He is dispatched with into the underworld slave trade after it is discovered that Impulse will sell no records.

The CEO and The Chupacabra


He is the epitome of wanton American corporate greed.

You've seen him, always smiling with his red rubber face and fake white pearly caps.

Constantly on his Bluetooth barking orders to his underlings, rolling around country clubs on a golf cart and sending out his slobbering missives. Bragging about his tax shelters and offshore accounts.

He dresses gaudily in peach and pink polo golf shirts and slacks and loafers, with ridiculous Grecian-dyed hair and stoopid alma matter college ringed nuggets on his fat fingers. His ruddy countenance is the decadent face of too many facelifts from his crony golf pal plastic surgeon, who also performs cosmetic procedures on his business cronies, slathered in too much reeking cologne, and on their trophy wives, who are materialistic big-fake-boobed shopping fashionista airhead soccer moms, driving around in big gas-guzzling luxury SUV vehicles and spoiling their rotten punk over-privileged teenaged children.

His time is coming.
A most monstrous comeuppance awaits. 

For in spite of all the rosy palmed lobbyist handshakes, and the atrocious "hunting" expeditions with his fat beer-bellied fucktwat business friends, sitting knee to knee, wheezing and laughing at stoopid racist jokes while holding up their rifles on the seats ATR vehicles and four-wheel trucks trudging through wealthy big biz game preserves stocked with exotic foreign animals who amble up unknowingly to be blasted by corporate pigs, the people are more plentiful and righteous. 

The people will have their voice. 




And the monsters of his ill-gotten greedy gains will devour his flesh in the borderlands.


And he will scream his pitiful terrorized pleas in the hot hard earthen dirt, while his assets are seized, his children are left bankrupt, and his spray-tanned fake-titted, shop-a-holic trophy wife is left penniless and has to work for minimum wages at Wal-Mart.

The Chupacabra cometh.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Modern Mythos. Contemporary Legends.

Only two of the prisoners were found sane enough to be hanged, and the rest were committed to various institutions. All denied a part in the ritual murders, and averred that the killing had been done by Black Winged Ones which had come to them from their immemorial meeting-place in the haunted wood. But of those mysterious allies no coherent account could ever be gained. What the police did extract, came mainly from the immensely aged mestizo named Castro, who claimed to have sailed to strange ports and talked with undying leaders of the cult in the mountains of China.
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Look about you, Clarke. You see the mountain, and hill following after hill, as wave on wave, you see the woods and orchard, the fields of ripe corn, and the meadows reaching to the reed-beds by the river. You see me standing here beside you, and hear my voice; but I tell you that all these things—yes, from that star that has just shone out in the sky to the solid ground beneath our feet--I say that all these are but dreams and shadows; the shadows that hide the real world from our eyes. There is a real world, but it is beyond this glamour and this vision, beyond these 'chases in Arras, dreams in a career,'beyond them all as beyond a veil. I do not know whether any human being has ever lifted that veil; but I do know, Clarke, that you and I shall see it lifted this very night from before another's eyes. You may think this all strange nonsense; it may be strange, but it is true, and the ancients knew what lifting the veil means. They called it seeing the god Pan.
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CHUPACABRA: The ancient and dreaded evil Mexican spirit beast. Centuries ago, the Spanish Conquistador Francisco Vásquez de Coronado (1510-1554) savagely murdered a native American tribal leader, killing him, his family and dogs and farm animals by sword.

This brutal slaughter was ordered so Coronado could take over the tribe's land, which was thought to have gold and precious gemstones in its creek beds and red clay sodden earth.

The spirit of the ancient tribal leader, Chupacabra, throughout the ages has sought vengeance by cursing, killing, maiming and traumatizing interlopers into his native lands, including fat American gringos with publicly traded corporations, U.S. military operatives, U.S. law enforcement agents, and narco criminals from drug cartels. All of these fat greedy intruders, like Coronado before them, seek to profit off of Chupacabra's rightful ancestral lands. They will be punished. Hideously punished.


When top-secret U.S.military biochemical 
genetic engineering experiments went terribly wrong at Mexican factories and compounds owned by American chemical corporations, packs of grotesquely savage monsters escaped into the Mexican wilderness.

These mutant creatures soon became enchanted by the ancient evil spirit of Chupacabra, who took a liking to the misbegotten creatures, granting them special supernatural and mystical powers to do his vengeful bidding, giving rise to the modern-day popular cryptozoological myth of  "chupacabras," the sightings and alleged eyewitness accountings of which have been reported in the news media and on television as an amusing entertainment for skeptics for many years.